Your smile
by The Ice Within
Summary: Juudaime... it was your smile that kept me going. It was all my fault, will you ever forgive me? Gokudera, your smile always lit my day. There never was anything to forgive you about - it never was your fault. AU


It was so cold. You shivered as you clutched your windbreaker closer to you, trying to block out the howling wind. You had yelled at them to go away, to leave you alone. You told them they were annoying, that they were useless and it was all their fault. But inside, you knew you were lying – they knew it too. You blame yourself, don't you?

Don't, my friend, my right-hand man. It wasn't your fault – and it'll never be.

I'm still here for you, aren't I? You'll still remember me even if I'm dead, right? That's enough already. To die knowing that I have someone who truly loved me – there's never a better way to die.

Smile… warm my heart once again, my Storm Guardian. You know that it's always so much better when you flash one of those rare smiles of yours? It never fails to warm my heart, to make a glow in my day.

Are you crying? Please don't cry. Smile with me – I love your smiles. Don't you want to make me happy? Smile. Laugh.

You always forgave me when I did something wrong, when I make decisions that you didn't like. Use that heart of forgiveness now. Forgive yourself, my guardian. Even though there's nothing to forgive about. It never was your fault.

You tried your best, didn't you? I would have died thousands of times if it weren't for you. You saved me so many times - physically, mentally, emotionally. You were the one that always bounded back after a fight, 'Juudaime' slipping out of your lips.

Your sincerity, loyalty – I'm grateful, I really am.

Remember that time when you blocked that shot for me? You saved me life, as usual. You were always there for me. It was the same this time, but everyone knew it was time for me to go. You couldn't do anything, but you still tried your best.

-Tsuna-

_Everything was blur – the bloodstained floor, limp bodies scattered across the field. We continued fighting - we had to win._

_Bullets whizzed pass our ears, we deflected blows one by one, each one bringing us closer to death. But still, you stood by my side, willing to sacrifice yourself for me, for your Decimo._

_I told you to bring the others away, that I could handle the enemies myself. You heard the unspoken words and you wouldn't budge._

_And then everything seemed to freeze as a bullet sailed across the field, aiming straight to my heart. I smiled wryly. I knew this was the end, I was prepared for this, I wasn't afraid. No, I was. I didn't want to die yet, but I didn't have a choice, did I?_

_You proved me wrong. I did have a choice. I still had you. Were you afraid of death? I couldn't think then._

_I screamed at you when you took the step that saved my life._

_That satisfied expression on your face never stopped haunting me._

_Your pale face, you bloodstained shirt… but most of all, your smile._

_I told them that they had to save you. I lost control of all my emotions; I was blind with fury._

_I charged, no one could get into my path to defeat me. I won't leave them. It was all their fault that you died. No! You're not dead; you're still alive. You'll still be there to clap me on the back and congratulate me for your success… as usual._

_As I sat beside your bed, crying. I realized one thing. It wasn't the enemies' fault – it was mine._

_My hands shook with regret and frustration. Anger welled up inside me. I was losing control of myself again. I was about to slash out, to break something when I felt your hand touch me gently._

_I looked down with tear-filled eyes._

_Again, you saved me._

_With that smile of yours._

-Tsuna-

I don't like it when you cry.

Smile. Please.

Just for me?

Smile.

Gokudera, my Storm Guardian, my savior, my right-hand man.

My _friend._

-Gokudera-

"Juudaime, why?"

What will I do without you?

You were the one who opened up my heart. You were the one who accepted me. You were the only one who I trusted with all my heart.

_Why?_

It's all my fault. Why didn't I save you like a brave right-hand man? I failed you… _again_.

You always forgave me with the genuine smile of yours.

You taught me how to forget, to forgive myself, and slowly, I did.

But this time I will never forgive myself, _ever_.

You're gone.

Forever.

You know what that means to me?

I want to shake you so badly, to tell you to wake up.

I shouted for them to go. I told them it was all their fault.

But I knew that it wasn't.

I know you'll want me to apologize to them later. Don't worry, I will.

Will you ever forgive me, Juudaime?

I think I hear your voice. Is that you?

I don't see you, where are you?

What did you say? I can't hear you…

Why?

Am I not loyal enough?

Why?

Speak louder, Juudaime.

Please.

_Forgive yourself, Gokudera._

Forgive?

How? You're gone forever. You're… _dead. _How can I forgive myself?

_To die knowing that someone really, truly, loved me is the best way to die._

Really? You're too kind for your own good, Juudaime. I failed you.

_You will forever be my Storm Guardian, my right-hand man, my savior and most of all, my best friend._

Juudaime…

_Smile… Gokudera, give me that rare smile of yours - the smile full of love, passion and loyalty. Let me see it again._

I smile. You wanted to see it didn't you, Juudaime? Are you happy now? Do you forgive me?

_There never was anything to forgive you about, Gokudera. You never were wrong. It never was your fault._

Juudaime.

_You promised me, Gokudera, that you would always smile for me. Lead Vongola for me. Don't let it collapse. Can you do that for me? I trust you._

Really? Juudaime… I…

_I always loved you, my friend. I'll always be there for you. And you'll always stay with me, right? Will you forget me?_

I'll never forget you, I promise, I swear. I'll always be there for you.

_Good. Remember to smile._

Juudaime… I'm smiling. Do you see it? I can see your smile too. I feel so warm.

The night is no longer so cold. I know I have you with me now. I smiled. It feels good. It's no longer uncomfortable.

I love it when you smile, Juudaime. I can still see it.

_Me too, Gokudera, me too._

**AN: This is the result of forcing myself to write something when I don't have any inspiration. It sucked, I know. Lame ending, lame plot, lame starting. I know. I'm sorry.**


End file.
